I was 12 when I knew I was into chicks.
It confused me before then because, how can a chick.. be into a chick?!
But it also intrigued me.
And I thought I was the only one.
Sadly, no fucker else had the courage to,
So I did. I came out to my whole class.
It was an accident. Never tell somebody how you feel about somebody else of you don’t trust that person with that kinda information.
Trust me on this.
For some god awful reason I decided to trust the most nosiest person in my class with the news that I had fallen for my best friend. She told the world.
First my classmates knew, then teachers and then over time I had the entire school call me the nastiest names to do with being a gay woman.
Lesbian, that was okay.
Dyke. Now come on, I was never That masculine.
Lemon licker. That made me laugh a few times. Though the taste wasn’t far off.
Lettuce licker. I never truly knew what other vaginas looked like so this one confused me. Until I saw one.
Rug Muncher. Words can’t describe how much this made me think.. what the hell does that even mean?! Now, its funny.
Bio-sexual. People are fucking stupid.
Some kid once called me Bio-Degradable.
Brilliant. Such clever students. Gifted and Talented! “claps”.
At least he wasn’t wrong, that’s how the school made me feel day in day out.
I was breaking down.
My reputation was no longer,
That weird faced Mosher in year 8.”
Oh, how I started to miss getting called that.
A few good punches to my nose did the trick and fixed my “weird” face after I managed to Piss my entire class off by just.. Existing.
I was hated.
For three solid years.
By everyone but my small circle of friends.
But nevertheless, hated alittle less each year.
Then in year 10..without warning, people just started coming clean about their sexuality, girls started kissing other girls and sometimes guys at the same time! Guys began groping other guys, while they talked about girls.
Boys were discovered in the toilets doing More than peeing.
People left my “deal” alone now.
School became very comfortable.
This gave me courage and confidence to come out to my parents, even at 14.
My dad was first. Get the worst out of the way first. A motto I live by today.
“im just wanted to say I’m gay dad.”
Very remarkably, my Dad didn’t care! Which I’ve heard is always a good thing. But I lost my mums respect for a few week.
She laughed and got up and left the room.
It was heart numbing.
She started acting weird around me, as if i was constantly eyeing her up.
I felt sick.
I confronted her.
We had a heart to heart and she told me she is upset because now I won’t be able to “give her grandchildren.”
I said, anything is possible!! Technology these days… Mum… ??” Then She cried. For a while..
I was furious. I started shaking.
It made me feel like the day that my parents found out my gender, my mum was overjoyed because she knew my purpose.
To have a baby. So she could be a grandma. Again. And again.
I found this selfish. Repulsive.
Started to hate my womb.
I was almost sick.
I went to my room and cried into my pillow.
There was a knock on my door now.
It was my dad.
He took me for a pint and made it extremely clear that he accepted me after yet another heart to heart.
But he was a hard cased person with a soft center and constantly teased me.
I didn’t mind. It was his image. Not mine.
We just sat and occasionally awkwardly cuddled and discussed different ways I could break the news to my three sisters. If I chose to do so.
Eventually.. I told them when I got my first girlfriend. 🙂 they were great.
I’m glad I chose later rather than never to tell them.
They already knew before I did!
Flash forward a few awful years.
I broke up with Laura on her birthday after she repeatedly hit me to get her rocks off, tortured me until I have up my friends and my life for her and guilt tripped me into burning all my films and music just so she wouldn’t kill herself.
I know, absolutely mental. Possessive.
I was with her for 3 years but it seemed like an eternity. Best thing I did. Ever.
The problem was, she messed me up so badly.. and created this void in me that I didn’t think anyone could repair.
So I lost morale. And my mind.
Started treating people like shit.
Slept with guys and girls and left in the morning.
Drank myself into a frenzy as I’ve already explained in my previous posts..had short relationships with the good ones, random flings..drunken blurrs (word credit goes to thisgirl) and eventually I met my fiancee.
But deep down, even when I had sex with all those guys…I pictured big breasts and a firm behind.
And wherever there was a dick, a penis or a cock, I imagined minge, vagina and fanny.
Who was I kidding really?
I knew who I was. I was just testing the waters.
And now I know who I am, what I am and how I feel about this…
Music: the end of heartache – killswitch engage